Friday, May 8, 2009

Why Chaos Warriors Don't Carry Cell Phones

"More ale!" shouted Bjorn. "My mug is empty!"
Servile, simpering servant Alonzo sidled up to him. "My deepest regrets, sir, but we are out of ale."
"What? Out? How can this be?" demanded Bjorn. "Did we not requisition enough in tribute from the Dwarfs of Spacemonkey Mountain?"
Alonzo shuffled out of arms reach before answering. "We made the requisition, but they did not deliver."
At first it seemed Bjorn would hurl his mighty mug at the simpering major domo, but then he relaxed. "No matter. Bring me some of that delicious Poison Wine the Dark Elves send in tribute."
This time the unfortunate Alonzo found a statue to more or less hide behind before replying. "They, uh, also elected not to ship us their tribute."
The ale mug missed Alonzo by a wide margin, clattering loudly to the floor several feet to his right. He inwardly noted their throwing aim was no better than their archery. Probably why they never used ranged weapons in their battles. 
"No matter. How about some Ogre ale?"
 Another negative shake of the head.
"Wood Elf wine? High Elf wine? Vampire Count Bloody Marys?"
As each new intoxicant was suggested by Bjorn the major domo responded in the negative. Finally Bjorn had enough.
"What is going on here? We go to war, we despoil their provinces, they agree to tribute and now we have nothing? What happened?"
Aslak, his second in command, stepped up. "Oh, yeah, about that. Well, seems we got a few messages last month. Mixed in with ways we can save on our insurance for our boats and horses were a few RSVPs saying they would be unable to make their payments this month."
"Why was I not informed?"
Aslak shrugged. "I got distracted."
Silence reigned for a few minutes as Bjorn allowed his eyes to take in the room. Finally he huffed in disgust and snapped out, "Men of the north, hear my words. Look at us, at what we have become." He pointed to one portly man. "Magne, you used to be a fierce warrior, easily able to dispatch dozens of opponents. Now it seems all you can dispatch is your pants. Put some on."
His gaze found another. "Unni, once you led legions. Now you lead the horde in drool."
He rose and snatched a spear from the wall and raised it high in the air. "Are we weak men with nought but wine and wenching on our minds? Or are we warriors who take what we want?"
The reply shout was deafening. "Warriors!"
"Then let us act as warriors. Summon 2500 points worth of warriors. Give me Marauders, Chaos Warriors, Chaos Knights, and someone awaken Galrauch. We march forth to slay, kill, maim, destroy, devastate, harm, murder, eviscerate, and perhaps even poke in the eye anyone we come across. Let us prepare to melee with Dark Elves, blow through Ogres, beat Dwarfs upon their pointy little heads, rend goblins limb from limb, and hurl massive quantities of vomit upon the bright shining helms of High Elves and Bretonnians!"
A mighty roar answered his speech as men began scrambling for weapons and trying to determine if they fell within the 2500 point allowance.
It was Aslak who pointed to the fruit basket. "I hate to interrupt this stirring and admittedly incendiary speech, but what is the sound that basket is making?"
"Oh, it is a new invention the wizards guild came up with, a cellular banana. They tell me in a few thousand years cell service will be all the rage."
He picked up the noisy banana, peeled it, and listened for a few minutes. From time to time he responded to the banana. Finally, he replaced the peel and looked at the warriors. As knuckleheads sometimes do, they were psyching themselves up by headbutting one another, punching each other in the nose, and other assorted mayhem. Bjorn raised his hands for silence. Slowly it descended on the hall.
"Men of the north, I know you are excited for the battle this weekend. But I have some bad news. I just got a call. The memorial service for my aunt has been scheduled for 2:00 Saturday and it would be bad form if I missed it. As a result, we will not be having our monthly game Saturday. It will have to wait."

This could all be avoided if only he did not have cell service...or if I didn't. But that is really the reason there will be no games this Saturday. Hopefully next Saturday...


kev said...

You really think this was the best way to tell us this? :)

kennyB said...

Shall we go for PB and J after?

Fullur said...

I just wasted several minutes of my time on that garbage. lol

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